Lately I didn’t quite feel like myself. I don’t really know who I am anymore. I guess that a bored woman is something to avoid. I thought I seriously liked that guy, but now I ignore his messages. I feel bad for him. Make a shy boy fall for you and then just leave him without notice … a pretty awful thing to do.
Yesterday I went out with a sweet guy, that type of guy your parents would want you to marry. It felt good, but my wild side might hurt him. I don’t want to do that. I’m a mess, is it okay? I guess not.
These thoughts of mine are weird. I don’t know what I want and in the process of finding that out, I’m hurting those around me. “You’re so dark” I tell myself. These two different personalities that share my body are like fire and ice. One wants parties, alcohol, drugs , adventures, hot guys with tattoos… however the other loves to read, study and longs for a nice relationship. I’m a mess.
I am a hurricane of feelings. Is it possible to be happy, yet feel empty at the same time ? One moment I feel like I could conquer the Universe, after a few seconds I feel so small, everything is big enough to destroy me. You managed to ravish every single part of my mind. You did this to me, yet you did nothing. I might be mad, but you are my saviour and my killer at the same time. I am yours, i don’t know if you’re mine. I hope you are. I want you, all of you. I want to hold you and never let go. Okay ?
They all fall in love, they shall love with burning passion. But , never ever, forget your dear ones, friends and family. Having a lover is a wonderful feeling, but does that mean you have to neglect those who’ve been there for you all the time ? Do not turn your back on your friends just because your lover asks you to. Is it really that easy to give up a four years friendship for a “lover” you met a few months ago ? I find it pathetic. It disgusts me that you, my best friend, act like I don’t even exist. I feel as if my soul is being torn into pieces. What for? A guy that is always complaining about everything you do or say? Was it really worth it ? You won’t become aware of this loss soon, but after a year, you’ll wake up one morning feeling empty, like something’s missing. “What is it” will pop up every five minutes until you’ll get it. I’ll be long gone by then.
Do you like to read ? Well, you should. Reading isn’t just escaping from reality. Grab a book and read it. You never know, it may come in useful one day. I imagine myself sitting on a comfy chair in front of a fireplace with a cup of hot chocolate and a book by my side. That seems just perfect. Well, almost … a handsome model and that’s it. Heaven.
Don’t really remember how many books I’ve read, but they did help me. I started to pay attention to details, to notice things. I enjoy observing people, to search every emotion that pops up on their faces. Take a second and look at someone’s eyes. Their eyes tell a story and it’s up to you to discover it. They act happy, but their eyes are sad. Maybe it’s unrequited love, maybe it’s just a bad day. They look calm, but you can see despair in their eyes. Books help you expand your imagination.
Take a picture of a stranger. Who is he? What’s his story, his desires, hie sins ? You decide.
Yes, that’s me. Yes, I have a tattoo. No, my parents don’t know about it. So what if I’m naked ?
I thought a lot what I should write about. Feeling lonely is worse than death. Waking up every morning becomes a burden and you start to wonder : Why am I alive ? What’s my purpose ? These questions keep popping up every 5 minutes and they consume you. It gets worse. You look at yourself and you feel useless like no one needs you.
Dear reader, never ever, make someone feel unwanted, because at that moment you sentenced them at a pain I can’t even describe. If your daughter doesn’t have straight A’s don’t tell her she is a disappointment, you never know how this might affect her. Teenagers have feelings too, they do not think all day long about having fun.
Dear soul, support those around you, no matter what they do, just forgive them. You have more power than you imagine. Words are worse than weapons. Words can break you from the inside, so choose your words carefully. Some of us are weak, we might not look weak, because most of the times we try to hide it. But sometimes it’s too much, the anxiety is too big and our world starts to tear into pieces.
I am a damaged soul, I cannot be fixed and I don’t want to. I carry these scars so I can remind myself how much damage words can do.